I love reading articles online. I enjoy the musings of another’s brain as they present an idea, flesh it out with three subheadings, and wrap it up in a logical, Christ-exalting conclusion. It’s tidy. Smooth. Orderly.
Normally, I enjoy contributing to this practice as I process God’s truth and how it applies to different scenarios in my own life. But my current scenario doesn’t welcome the smooth and tidy. There are no three simple steps to walking in victory during this season of life.
Grief, pain, and loss are my current companions. Questions with no satisfying answers. Silence and sighing. Heartache and helplessness befriend me. There are no easy, logical answers.
The unfathomable ways of God (Rom. 11:33) have confronted me. I don’t possess the capacity to understand what’s happening. I hope that one day I will be better equipped to understand and function within my new reality. But that day is not today. Today is a day for pondering.
To ponder something means to think about it carefully, especially before reaching a conclusion. In the darkness of grief, conclusions likely exist, but can be too painful to acknowledge. I am confident that my pathway through suffering will lead me to the affirmation of conclusions that only God’s grace can provide. But for today, I’m giving myself the freedom to ponder, to wrestle and to wonder.
Today, I’m pondering things that, before grief, I never would have.
I never thought that I would hesitate to affirm God’s goodness. Of course, I acknowledge this foundational truth in my head. But when God took a beloved from me, the words formerly spoken with confidence are now voiced through shaky lips. Some days, I must fight to believe them.
I never thought singing in worship would be so difficult. I’m a gal who normally loves to sing praises to God. But now, those praises feel more like battle cries than affirmations. The words don’t come easily, I must decide in each moment to believe and echo the lyrics to my father. The words are now sung with fisted hands instead of raised ones.
I never thought I would enjoy hiding. I’ve always loved being around lots of people. I’ve never experienced social anxiety. My personality is big and I’ve been in the spotlight more than a few times. But now, I don’t want to be seen. I enjoy reclusiveness. I want to be hidden in my father’s arms. I’ve always thought hiding was cowardly and for the weak. Today, I’m embracing my weakness and choosing to be shielded by God.
I never thought I would be so unproductive. Productivity is my love language. I’ve always thrived on getting things done. A few mornings ago, I got excited over the fact that I made my bed. I took a picture of my achievement and sent it to my bestie. My, how the mighty have fallen!
Today is not a day for figuring things out. I don’t want to make plans or decisions. I just want to sit in God’s presence and ponder. I want to cry and rage and hide. He can handle my emotions and my neediness. He can provide comfort and refuge. He will sustain me.
Other days will involve multitasking and motion. Those days may involve me penning articles with neatly wrapped up conclusions. But maybe not. Other days may involve less pondering and more productivity.
But today, when answers are invisible, and curiosity continues to birth new questions, I’m thankful for the space to wonder about things and not have the answers. I’m grateful that my heavenly father can handle my questions and meet me in my curiosity. He is enough for today and all the days that follow.
This blog has primarily existed as a landing place for the articles I write for other sites. But I created it to be a space for ponderings. Right now, I’m not capable of writing full articles with logical conclusions. But I do want to ponder. I’d like to invite you to ponder with me.